JOKES FROM THE FOLKS
JOKES FROM THE FOLKS
How is a drum solo like a sneeze? You know it's comin and there ain't a dang thing you can do about it. (from Richie Fitzwell, Las Vegas, NV)
What do Dog turds and aging women have in common? The older they get the easier they are to pick up. (from Louis Buzkill, Bronx, NY)
When the Blonde heard that ninety percent of crimes occur around the home -- she moved. (from PJ Smith, Riverside, CA)
Did you hear about the pregnant wife who said, "my husband cheats on me so much, I'm not sure this baby is his." (from J. McCain, Tulsa, AZ)
What do you call a "copy band" playing on St. Patrick's Day? -- Shamrock! -- (Tom Duclos)
I am now on two diets and FINALLY getting enough to eat!
Anyone who doesn't know what soap tastes like has never given a dog a bath.
If marriage was outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
"WALKS INTO" JOKES
A Grasshopper walks into a bar. The Bartender says "hey we have a drink named after you." The Grasshopper says "You gotta drink named Melvin?"
A Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
A Minister, a Priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender says "Hey what is this? Some kinda joke?"
"QUOTES"
A closed mouth, gathers no foot. (S. Cornelius)
Brevity is the soul of Wit -- (W. Shakespear)
Those that trade Liberty for Security -- get neither. (B. Franklin)
I'd Kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. (Steven Wright)
Something that can't go on forever -- "WON'T" (M. Romney)
Rehab is for quitters. (Anonymous)
A hangover is the wrath of grapes. (The Bible)
Borrow money from pesimists -- they don't expect it back. (Steven Wright)
STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP, Park elsewhere. (Anonymous)
HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.
The Meek shall inherit the earth -- after we're through with it. (D. Trump)
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. (Steven Wright)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (Dept. of Agriculture)
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. (PETA)
IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? (S. Pedno)
Suicidal Twin Kills Sister by Mistake. (Press Telegram Obituary)
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory (Steven Wright)
NyQuill -- The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. (C. W. Coupe)
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. (J. Duncan)
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked somthing. (Steven Wright)
Procrastinate Now! (O. Moron)
DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music. (Arkansas Atty General)
MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. (Steven Wright)
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. (Anonymous)
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN... Cops have nothing to go on. (LBPD)
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Steven Wright)
I need to catch a plane. Not with that tongue you won't. (Kermit the Frog)
Hard Work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. (Steven Wright)
A rising tide raises all boats. (R. Regan)
A Fanatic is one who won't change his mind and won't change the subject. (W. Churhill)
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? (Steven Wright)
One is judged by the strength of his enemies. (R. Limbau)
I intend to live forever... so far, so good. (Steven Wright)
A Crisis is the playground of a Tyrant. (J. Madison)
Don't pay attention to your critics, don't even ignore them. (Samuel Goldwin)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. (Steven Wright)
I have not failed, its more of a permanent lack of success. (B.O.)
Teaching a pig to sing just wastes your time and annoys the pig.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? (Steven Wright)
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." (Steven Wright)